Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Spark Up the Phillies and Pass the Stout b/w A Dalembert Report Family Thanksgiving

With the exception of Matt Holliday's wife (get the ice packs ready honey!), the world of sport was thrilled today with the announcement that our very own Jimmy Rollins was bestowed with baseball's highest honor, the MVP award. Okay, he got half of baseball's highest honor, sharing the spotlight with the American League MVP, Alex "Fuck You, Pay Me" Rodriguez. However, we at the Dalembert Report choose not to acknowledge the American League , what with it's bigger names and nonsense designated driver* rule. Or hitter. Or something. Either way, by default, that makes J-Roll the lone best in baseball this year and we couldn't be any happier for him.

I would post J-Roll's stats for the year compared to the aforementioned Holliday, but that would be about as exciting of a read as the minutes to a meeting of the mutes, so I'll just take a moment to reference some of the genius shit the man accomplished this year on the path to HNIC-dom. In January, the dude pointed a middle finger high in the air, aimed it approximately 100 miles north and told the Mets that the NL East was the Phillies' block this year, and they'd best consider slangin their product elsewhere. Took a little longer than expected, but it turned out to be the truth. He played in every game this season, and managed to pull out a silver slugger and a gold glove award (which are given to the best offensive and defensive players at each position on the field – yeah, the man got em BOTH) while doing it. He became the first player ever to do some hot shit, the details of which elude me as of press time, but just trust me, it was great. However, of all the accomplishments which led to this glorious achievement, nearest to the hearts of your DR editorial staff is that the man has been righteously giving it to one of our fellow high school alumna, and while he and she may object, that practically makes us all related.

So, to you Cousin Jimmy, we spark the Phillies and pass the stout, and congratulate you on your well deserved 2007 NL MVP award!!!

Speaking of family, the Thanksgiving holidays are upon us, and with the exception of the first half of the Eagles' season, there is much to be thankful for. In the spirit of the holiday, I would like to take a moment to share a few of the things for which I am thankful with my highest of dysfunctional families, you, the DR loyalists:

I am thankful that eldiablogrande did not fire me from my free job here, despite numerous drug and alcohol fueled threats

I am thankful for the turkey that has made the ultimate sacrifice so that I may fill my belly and provide a solid foundation for the after-dinner drinks which will render me unfit for the operation of heavy machinery

I am thankful for percocet for very similar reasons

I am thankful that neither Alfonseca nor Mesa were made top priority free agent signings

I am thankful that JC Romero was

I am thankful that hockey does not interest me**, as it seems that many Flyers fans are of the angry breed

I am thankful that Sixers fans would rather stay home, thereby providing me with many oppurtunities to upgrade my seats free of charge

I am thankful that the Andre Miller trade rumors have been deemed false

I am thankful that LW3 doesn't realize that he could be the biggest star that The Wire has ever seen and has instead chosen to continue to catch total wreck for 11 minutes a game

I am thankful for Brian Westbrook

I am thankful for every King and Cuz in the city and their collective willingness to commit to alcoholism and in turn remind out of towners exactly whose stadium it is that they are in, and that cheering for the other team is not only forbidden, but grounds for multiple acts of violence

I am thankful that the bartender does not judge me

I am thankful for the anonymous gentleman who leaves the sports page in the handicapped stall at work on a daily basis (a true American)

I am thankful that my employer is unaware that I am writing this on company time

I am thankful for Mr. Sammy D himself, a greater muse there has never been

Finally, I am thankful for YOU, the DR readers, who apparently do exist regardless of the comment sections being all 28 Days Later-esque. Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.

* The Dalembert Report reminds you to stay safe this holiday season. Know when to say when, remember that friends don't let friends drive drunk (unless they REALLY need a ride), don't learn this from watching me, and please if you've taken nothing else from this DR PSA, do NOT allow eldiablogrande to take home men in dresses. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

** I reserve the right to retract that statement at any time

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