Monday, June 1, 2009

Ask & You Shall Receive

The masses sent out the bat signal earlier today, only by masses I mean one of our two fans on Tobacco Road, and by bat signal I mean email. And when one of our very few regular readers threatens bodily harm against the DR staff, it is incumbent upon me, the Big Firm, to put an end to the insanity. No doubt, the DR has been slippin. Nearly a month since our last inspired contribution to the world wide web, I extend a collective apology to you, Dubs, and to you, Raleigh Towel. That should just about cover it.

I've been asked to cover two topics: Eddie Jordan and Brett Myer's replacement. Seeing as I am not one to exceed expectations -- at least not voluntarily -- I will stick to my assignment and stay safely within the confined guidelines.

Following a disappointing conclusion to their season, the Sixers have gone out and TOTAAALLLLY REDEEMED themselves with the Eddie Jordan hire. Oh wait, my mistake, they did the complete opposite and in this fair reader's view, completely shit the bed. Well that sort of implies that they had a bed to shit in, but the point is that Eddie Jordan does very little to get me hype. I could pretend that I don't care who coaches the Sixers, but I would be lying. Sure, I don't think that coaches win titles, and they rarely change the course of a team's good fortune all on their own. But a good coach -- one that is intelligent, calculating, and authoritative yet personable -- is hard to come by. And more often than not, a good coach only becomes "a good coach", let alone "a great one" once the players he/she leads succeed in their own right. But why Eddie Jordan???

Certainly his record alone does not speak volumes for his qualifications. Impressive perhaps only to the likes of Bill Fitch and Isiah Thomas, Eddie Jordan has a career coaching record of, drummmms pleassssse: 230-258. His most successful season resulted in a 8 more wins than losses, not to distract us from the three seasons -- including his most recent performance when he won a single solitary game while losing nine-- where he won less than a whopping 32% of his games. Indeed, twice his team lost thirty more games than they won. I have more success with strippers for god's sake. He also seems completely boring. Well, as boring as a supremely sharp-dressed black man can be. Mr. Jordan also runs that perfect offense for our athletic, dim-witted young players... that's right, the Princeton offense. Sammy is a regular Steve Goodrich, his backdoor passes will vault us to the top!

Well, what can one do? Ultimately, I do trust in Stefanski, and I'm glad we didn't bring in a crappy Boston Celtic coach. In fact, truth be told, I genuinely believe that a strong supporting cast can make up for any coaching shortcomings that Eddie himself may encounter. He has already hired the crispest beard south of Jake Lefco's Chelsea apartment. I only hope his other assistant coaches hold it down like Luther Van Dam and Dauber. Because if Eddie Jordan fails, we all fail.

On to the Brett Myers injury and the Phillies immediate recourse. Our beloved hometown team is motoring right along, simultaneously boasting the worst ERA in the league and a first place standing in our division. Go figure. But now we face what many might dismiss as a rather inconsequential loss, but really, although B. Myers may be about as consistent as a 75-year old man's stream of urine, on any given night he can shut down his opponent and give us a solid 7. His loss puts us in a predicament of considerable degree. Fortunately for us fans, the Phillies mean business and will, in all likelihood, find them someone worthy of our support. No chance we scoop another Paul Abbott, you heard it here first.

A few suggestions that Ruben Amaro might want to look into:

1) Ryan Rossitto. Word on the street is that he came through stunning at the GFS alumni baseball game. Throwing heaters, mixing in a proud incapacity at the plate and a bushy head of deceptively jewish curls. I figure the Phils can offer him slightly more than whatever crumbling financial institution he likely works for presently has on the table. Need I remind you that another Princeton grad, who happens to be 6'10'', has done quite well for himself in the major leagues. The symmetry is beautiful.

2) Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory:

Mayor Nutter wouldn't stand for that nonsense.

3) Your favorite voluptuous R&B singer and mine: Mariah Carey. The Japanese commentary, combined with the catcher's shit eating grin, make her an instant contender to throw every fifth day in my book.

4) And last but not least, Carl Lewis. My favorite video of Carl Lewis is undeniably this one. But dare I overlook his other gems. Shit, he runs faster than God. Speaking of which... for the love of friggin God I can't find the video of Carl Lewis throwing the ball 4 feet in Seattle, but I know it happened.


  1. I suggest that Jordan hire Dauber as assistant coach.

    That "I don't care" reference link made my life... I know, it's sad.

    As for the Phils, Bastardo to the rescue!

  2. May I nominate "I Don't Care" as the obscure GFS reference of the year (though, it's still early)? I think Chief Naka will second that motion.

    Also, unrelated, but due to my unquenchable thirst for commenting with links (which you then have to copy and paste into your browser-the horror-because I am too much of an invalid to learn and apply the proper way to embed links even though Connie so kindly tried), I think this is worthy of the DR's attention. It's pretty genius. Enjoy:

    Ironic that Bastardo's first game in the majors will be against The Dad's.

    Good day and Firm Bless.

  3. Oh yeah, don't forget to vote for All-stars as many times as possible; especially for Ibanez, but J-Roll is close to a starting spot in the voting as well.

    Also, remember that every vote counts in keeping Manny's cheating predator ass out of the game. Cheaters, especially ones that are as big an asshole as him, should not be honored. If he does somehow make it in (because people are stupid), I hope the whole stadium boos when they announce his name. If only the game were in Philly this year.

    Also, by default, go Magic. I want to see a version of "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste" from Hedo Turkalo when this series is over.

  4. Big Firm, we speak your name! Well done. I agree with Dubs that the "I don't care" link is the greatest. You should add the link to Bababooey's first pitch...good stuff!

    I think the Phils get Oswalt and rip easy Ed Wade off...again.

  5. Is it bad that my taunting of "I don't care" probably single-handedly resulted in his departure from GFS? "You don't break another man's glove!"... Well, just one more reason why I'm going to hell.

    Firm, Philly can't wait for one more jew lawyer.

    Make sure you eat at Tango Sur before leaving Chicago; awesome BYO steakhouse that isn't too pricey, near Wrigley field if memory serves me. Get the fillet. It's the bomb.

    Burruti Bastardo was impressive tonight.

  6. Why does it look like McKie played at Gratz in 1945? The picture of Bill Ellerbee brought me back to the day when he chewed out Rasheed Wallace for dunking on his son's (Dave Ellerbee, AFS' center) head and giving him a huge egg on his forehead.

    I digress. Phils should get Tom Glavine for dirt since the braves just cut him. That would be over 550 wins between him and Moyer.

  7. Ummm, I was at that Gratz v. AFS game. Vid?

  8. I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.