Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Ring is The Thing

When the Phillies won the World Series in 1980, the team received the ring above, a heavy-looking ornament that combined the fortress look of Veterans Stadium with an acceptable amount of blood jewels in appropriate colors. Having today glimpsed the 2008 World Series ring bestowed upon the defending champions, I have two observations: 1)championship rings nowadays are roughly the size of a box of Lucky Charms and weigh more than people who eat Lucky Charms, and 2)I think the real reason why teams don't win back-to-back titles in baseball is because the entire roster gets droopy-finger syndrome, a pernicious and debilitating affliction that can kill a pitchers grip, a batters swing, and a managers wave to the bullpen.

Before anyone jumps to false conclusions concerning my opinion on the 2008 World Series ring, let me say they are huge and that's cool. The bigger the better, because as soon as Geoff Jenkins gambles his money away and pawns that tasty ring I'll be there, ready to snatch it up, put it on, and add some serious shine to the next Dalembert Awards Banquet. The real reason I mention the ring is because baseball is back, and the ring is the thing. And the Phils are the team to fucking beat.

What will happen in 2009? Here are some guesses.

The Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth candidate for career year:
Winning the World Series will cover all sorts of warts, facts, and realities, and the fact is that we won it all without a career year almost nearly anyone on the roster, save for the aforementioned outfielders. Yes Cole Hamels was very good and a playoff stud, but Colbert only won 14 games in the regular season. JRoll basically had a bad year, Utley's numbers dropped steadily starting in May, and Ryan Howard made me cry almost every day for the first three months of the season. Burrell was great early but overall had a Burrell year, Pedro Feliz was bad, Geoff Jenkins was awful, Carlos Ruiz stunk, and Chris Coste an afterthought. Our bench doesn't count. Jamie Moyer pitched great but Myers, Kendrick, and Blanton were iffy, leaky, and chubby. You get the point: we have room to improve! Oh wait, Brad Lidge was perfect. Anyway, my candidate for career year is Brett Myers(I'm acting as if the season hasn't already started and he hasn't already given up 10,000 feet worth of home runs). Bottom line is this: contract year!!

The Geoff Jenkins candidate for Disappointing Corner Outfielder:
Since there are only two corner outfielders, and since I'm so drunk on the Ibanez kool-aid(even before today people!) I can barely see straight, I nominate Jayson Werth. Obviously I hope I'm wrong, but Jayson and his disgusting flavor-savor signed a new contract, has injury issues, and more than a little pressure on his lanky frame to represent the right-side of the plate in our line-up. We need the guy to bat fifth and hit 25-30 dingers for our line-up to work. Can he do it? We'll see.

The Crucial Asian Quota candidate for team harmony:
Does anyone think it's a coincidence that the Phillies rosters in 2007(a return to the playoffs) and 2008(a title) were both successful and both contained Japanese players? Hell no! You gotta have Wa, and for proper wa you need some Japaneezy's. I'll even settle for a Korean, which is why Chan Ho Pak(Chop as a nickname?) is the winner here. This dude is the key to everything.

The Charlie Manuel is Actually a Genius And Now We See The Light candidate:
There's only one choice here, and that would be the one and only Richard Peter Dubee, aka Dick Dubee. Our beloved pitching coach is a straight G. Not only did homeboy coax 21 wins out of Kyle Kendrick the past two years, he did it with refreshing bluntness(pun intended). Dubee will make sure our pitching staff stays focused and on point, while acting as consiglieri to Charlie Manuel. Dubee will soon get national props.

The Blessing In Disguise candidate:
JC Romero, forced to miss the first 50 games of the season due to a confusing and unfair suspension, will return angry, motivated, and pumped full of undetectable new steroids, and will strike out Carlos Delgado twelve times in September.

The Talent Wins In the End candidate to lead the team:
I sure hope all the role players and bullpen specialists play great, and the manager sets the right tone, and major injuries are avoided, etc., but I really want to see our Big 3(JRoll, Utley, Howard) mash the ball together this year. Out of the three of them I'm most obsessed with Howard reaching his potential. He had one great month last season and a bunch of terrible/average ones, and he nearly won MVP. Can the big guy stay consistent, avoid 200k's, and bring the average up to .280? If so 60 home runs could be a serious conversation. Did I say 60? I meant 80.

The Subtle Reason To Love Ed Wade candidate:
We've been through this before, but quickly lets recap: Ed Wade was in charge when the Phillies drafted and nurtured Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, Ryan Madsen, and Brett Myers. Then he took over in Houston and gave us Brad Lidge for Michael Bourn. He basically looked at our roster, thought "hey, I love the Phillies and would love to see them win a World Series so I think I'll give them a beast reliever, since they could use one, for a bum", and sent us on our way to the promised land. But the real kicker? Eric Bruntlett is fucking awesome. He came here in the Lidge trade and recovered from a slow start to become my favorite bearded bench player since Aaron Mckie. Bruntlett plays every position except pitcher and catcher and will prove indispensable as this year progresses.

The Reliever Who Will Make Those Jews Among Us Proud candidate:

Gary Majewski of course, even if the w is silent. I plan on Chad Durbin sucking this year, getting shipped down to the minors, and being replaced by the Mighty Majewski. Majewski will then make Sandy Koufax proud and anchor the middle innings like a true mensch.

We will win 92 games and the division of course. That is all.


  1. WAtchutalkinbout Willis! Lucky Charms are magically delicious!!!

  2. just because his name is spelled Ma-JEW-ski, doesn't make this dude a jew. I am not basing this opinion on any facts but I really don't think this guy is jewish.

    By the way, I would be ok with it if the sixers are not discussed for the rest of the year. unless the conversation centers around Thad's ankle healing well or who our coach is going to be next year, I really don't want to talk about it.

  3. i love lucky charms and in college i substituted green clovers for green vegetables. i only said they weren't magically nutritious, not delicious.

    and guil i agree 100% that majewski is in no way jewish, but does that mean a jewish person can't still take pride in his success? If we had a minor league black pitcher named Ron Majapaneseski i think it would behoove me, and all other japanese peeps to root for the guy just because.

    I saw 45 seconds of sixers-bulls highlights in a bar this evening. Every highlight seemed to end in a tyrus thomas or derrick rose dunk. The sixers now suck, but at least we fully grasp thaddeus's importance.

  4. With Lieberthal gone, Majewski is as close as the Phils have to a Jew on the team.

    I must read "You gotta have Wa."

    Nice work, Chief Naka. I am beyond excited about the fact that baseball has begun anew.

    I sincerely hope to stand on Broad street with you drinking tall boys at 11AM at the end of the season.

    Go fuckin' Phillies.

  5. If Majewski is indeed a jew,I'm surprised the Illuminati has yet to shun him and his awesome mullet.

    Don't forget, Wade also had the decency to take Geoff Geary off of our hands too. That guy blew more than one of Naka, Dubs, Firm and edg's classmates did in middle school. You know who I mean.

    Lucky Charms are deliciously racist. Or culturally biased. Whatever, chalky marshmallows heal all wounds.

  6. Majewski is also a dumb Polack.

    The ring is the kring.

  7. Flintskins, you Irish bastard:

    I know someone who loves lucky charms; these guys:

  8. i have to admit i didn't understand most of this post. but one thing's certain (to me...and to birthday jawn, i dare say): Chief Naka doesn't emphasize strongly enough how phila-loving Koreans are the key to more blood-diamond-encrusted world series rings. koreans can accomplish great things if they put their minds to it.

  9. These are also amazing things:

    Go for the Chicken Jap Je (sp? sorry)

    This place is the bomb. I think the entire DR staff should go here for dinner. I wouldn't be surprised to see Chan Ho there (we can ask him what happened in Colorado). It is one of Philly's best kept secrets. And it is in beautiful scenic Olney, which deters a lot of whiteys.

  10. I also invite Connie to attend said dinner when Big Firm moves back from the windy titty.

    A side-note. When Flintskins, Powder, and I attended the Flyers game a couple weeks ago, on our way out, we were following two cuzzes with authentic Flyboys jerseys with names on the back that read "Titty" and "Clamchowder." I was a fan.

  11. RIP Harry

  12. Did CEE just figure out how to put hyperlinks in comments? Because this could change DVW's life.

  13. Teach me your ways, CEE.

  14. ah! i knew that idiotic html-learning class i was forced to take in the summer of 1999 (that i mostly slept through) would get me some dap at some point in my life. i will send out a tutorial via big firm.

    and i am obvi down for dinner - especially this place that describes as being in a K Town of some Olney. you could enjoy my butchering of the mother tongue and lots of soju would be had by all.