Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Erection Day!

..at least, thats what Sammy would call today if we were from Japan. Now, we all know that Sammy is not from Japan. But he's more Japanese than one would think. For example, like many Japanese people, he is not registered to vote in Philadelphia, which has tragically prevented him from not only endorsing a mayoral candidate, but from running for City Hall himself.

Still, if he were a Philly voter...and in the unlikely event that he wasn't running for mayor himself...who would Sammy endorse?

Tom Knox?

"Tom Knox is a buster," says Sam, from his secret compound/pillow fort at an undisclosed location. "Though I respect the fact that, like myself, he is the owner of many millions that he has done little to earn, I would never trust as mayor a man who could allow his campaign headquarters to be knocked off in such a brazen manner. A good mayor should have machete-toting thugs guarding his stash like I do.

Chaka Fattah?

"Though his name rolls off the tongue in a mellifluous fashion" Sam states, "it is very difficult to pronounce in my native French tongue. I admire Chaka for that time he got shot in the leg, and, like myself, Chaka enjoys peanut butter. Then there is his wife Renee, and her amazing Wikipedia entry:

On April 7, 2001, Renee married Chaka Fattah, a local TV personality who once played Bozo the Clown on Philadelphia's version of the Bozo the Clown TV show. Chenault is one of several minority females to have anchored newscasts in Philadelphia. She has two daughters.

"Still," Sam continues, "there is the continuing issue the guy with the megaphone screaming "Boom shockalockalocka Chaka Fattah!" outside City Hall, who has been a continual pain in the ass to anyone who works in the vicinity of Broad and Market. There will be no Dalembert endorsement for anyone who condones that sort of noise pollution."

Dwight Evans? "Who the hell is Dwight Evans?" is Sam's confused reply? "If it was Dwight Grant, then maybe. But Dwight Evans? Never heard of the dude."

Bob Brady?

"Alright Shady, maybe he's right Grady. But think about the baby before you vote Bob Brady."

Mike Nutter?

"Mike Nutter is a great man," says Sam. "He should be mayor because his campaign has promised to give Playstation 2's to all at-risk youth. Also, I enjoy his bald head, which reminds me of a clown, and stands in pointed contrast to the Nino Brown look of the Street years. Though I firmly believe in the power of armed rebellion, I am prepared to offer the Dalembert Report seal of approval to my man Nutter, based especially on his last name, which I believe heralds wonderful things for the city of Philadelphia."

And with that, Sam disappeared back into his pillow fort and wasn't heard from again.

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