Thursday, September 13, 2007

Fuck It

Hey, Adam Eaton, guess what?

I hardly consider myself an optimist. In fact the potent combination of being a lifelong Philly native, far too Irish for mine and society's good and currently being so deep in the ranks of a pathetic 9-to-5 existence has likely engrained pessimism so deep into my DNA that my great grandkids are going to be such miserable sons of bitches that they'll make Hitler and Stalin seem happier than Balki Bartokomous and that waterhead from Life Goes On and the McDonalds commercials. Therefore, it should be painfully obvious that optimistic moments are few and far between for your humble narrator, and you know what? I'm fucking done wasting them on this years Phillies.

Adam Eaton may not be the actual anti-christ, and some people might say he isn't the only one to blame, but it is hard to argue that he hasn't lobbied an awe-inspiring campaign to be the official posterboy for failure. His triumphant return was the punch in the balls I was in dire need of that finally made me drop the Kool-Aid and get ont he early bus in proclaiming: THIS SEASON IS DONE. FUCKING DONE. Sure, some 'key' games may be won, a late run will likely be made that will prompt the four of you out there who actually frequent the DR to tell me I'm a beatoff who should be exiled to the top of the Citizens Bank bleachers clad in nothing but a Carlos Beltran jersey, but deep within that many-times-over surgically repaired heart, you all know I'm right. Don't do it to yourselves again people.

Seriously folks, we need to be strong and another year of allowing ourselves to be heartbroken is simply unsafe. The way Gang Green looked in week one (this week's re-signing of the legendary Reno Mahe aside), you really might need strength come January. Besides, if our teams are going to be a bunch of weak pussies, we as fans can not be, as exhibited below:

Ahhhh fuck it, after seeing that, I'm back in. That shit is motivational. Go Phils and fuck the Mets. We fight our own security guards, their fans waste beer.

(7 minute version of video here.)