Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Awkward is as Awkward Does

I was trying to think of the most awkward moment in my life the other day, and struggling to find that one perfect instance of unbelievable discomfort. Few have had the "shit-pants-on-bridge-then-tell-future-wife-about-it" moment to reflect on, laugh about, and ultimately relish. So when a most unremarkable Sunday became, well... remarkable, it provoked some thought. Query: can someone else's most insufferable awkward moment become one's one awkward moment? Quite simply, yes. Yes it can.

Let me set the scene. Eldiablgogrande recently decided to move into a beautiful new home with his lovely wife and two dogs. To execute this task, he collected the finest and strongest, the most diligent and energetic, the best strategic thinkers LWFs can buy -- Mr. Fine Tone and Mr. Juice. And what does one do after they move? One holds a makeshift sidewalk sale to sell one's crap. Well "sell" would be a misnomer. Apparently there isn't a high demand on the streets of Northern Liberties for 5 inch bright colored pumps. Or any of Sayeh's shit.

But what is there a high demand for in what used to be the badlands of our fair city? Gays. Gays, trannies, well-groomed chest hair, super tight shorts (on dudes), and festive people feasting on water ice and enjoying a sunny, humid day in their finest overpriced shades. That's right, NoLibs was having a gay festival of sorts. And we have decided to sell things that don't appeal to anyone other than our favorite new homeowners, a shameful shortcoming to say the least. So there we sit, comfortably reclined in lawn chairs on a very small sidewalk, where winter coats are draped over doors, can openers are offered at discounted prices, pit-stained wifebeaters are practically giving themselves away.

Contemplating leaving because (a) sales are slower than a tased phillies fan, and (b) I don't want to get stuck packing this worthless crap up, I glance to my left and take inventory of the scene. Fast approaching are three gentleman, gliding through the air, chests thrust in the air, chins held high, hands interlocked (ok, maybe I made that up). One white, one black, one presumably latino, it's all a blur at this point. I look to Eldiablo, he glances back...is it? Could it be? No. Is this happening? I feel awkward, awkward for him, awkward for myself, awkward for Campy, wherever he is.

Like any mature soon-to-be thirty year old man, I hide behind a newspaper, blushing like a 7th grader walking back to the Wissahickon Skating Rink from the Chestnut Hill Academy fields, praying the discomfort passes like a fart in the wind. What does our fearless editor-in-chief do? He stares the feared enemy down, cracks a sly smile, and utters "Hey, howwwwwyaaaadoing"? To which he gets nothing. Perhaps some meat gazing, a rise out of the other man's loins, but nothing more. No hello, no "go phillies," no "i hate you, you ruined my life." Nothing.

And seeing as there are only a select few who frequent this here blogesphere, and one of them witnessed the crime itself, dare I challenge our readers: NAME THE CULPRIT IN QUESTION, he who momentarily redefined the term "awkward." Who floated by our stoop wearing a safari hat? Who you all know? The floor is yours...

24 comments:

  1. Tech-Bone Ward?

    Matt Stein?

    Josh Kramer?

    No.... I think I got it. Reid! That's my best guess, anyway. I'm interested to hear others.

    Great hyperlinks, Big Firm!

    How bout that Chooch walk-off last night. Just so all of you know that Fintan should have been at said Gay Parade, he missed the walk-off because he was watching Lost instead of the Phils. For shame, sir.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeshFQbAQqw

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  2. this was my series of guesses before I figured it out:

    me: from high school?

    sam: yup

    me: luke?

    sam: but really from all-time

    way worse than luke

    me: dick wade?

    sam: closer

    but not gay enough

    me: della micah?
    1:24 PM
    larry simmons!

    sam: not that gay. but worse

    me: hmm

    buffum?

    oh got it

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  3. this made me laugh out loud, and then start crying when i remembered that horrifying moment that i'd blocked out of my mind. Big Firm, i am sending you the bill from my psychotherapist.

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  4. I have been informed that my recent guess was incorrect, so here are some more:

    Luke?... No. Firm wouldn't have hidden.

    Spirn? Maybe.

    Capanna? Doubtful.

    I need a hint!

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  5. Michael Williamson? Gotta be.

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  6. "It was just another day, I was walking down the hall. Steve, are you high? Steve, are you high?"

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  7. It was that rapistburger, Lawrence Taylor.

    "Only sailors and f@ggits are named 'Lawrence'"

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  8. Shut up, Powder.

    I like Chief Naka's guess.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UziUhf1ukw

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  9. reid weisbord

    elliot "chicken fatty"

    if these aren't right just tell me!

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  10. Rumor has it that B. Westbrook may be on his way to Warshington. Next thing you know they'll have B. Dawk, Troy Vincent and Bobby Taylor.

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  11. Cryptus, your exclamation points are sooooo gaaaayy!

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  12. Now post a youtube link that no one will watch.

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  13. Shut the fuck up, Powder. Why don't you actually contribute something to the DR (and society), or go live in the mountains and don't bother anybody. My exclamation points are gay like you. I should have guessed that it was you that walked by Big Firm and EDG at the sidewalk sale.

    Shut up, Flintskins, and write a post.

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  14. Shut up, that Chan Ho Park diarrhea vid was improperly not credited to me.


    http://aofg.blogs.com/.a/6a00d83451c7bb69e201156ebab46b970c-800wi

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  15. Who's posting videos no one is going to watch now?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  16. Powder, when did you start wearing a safari hat around?

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  17. Somebody's gotta post something abahlt dem phuckin' Phloyers, der cuz. Most of you may not give a shit, and watch garbage NBA playoffs sans Sixies instead, but the Flyers are on a pretty amazing ride, and I'm excited that they have made it this far. Lets geauwe fly-yurrs! Duh-dun-duh-duh-dun!

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  18. No one cares. Go play somewhere. Preferably in traffic.

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  19. Wait. So did you guys guess it? The post and the comments are hilarious by the way. Why did I stay away so long???

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. I can't sleep and I randomly decided to see if anyone was still writing....SO flipplin' funny you guys! DVDUBS your 'shut the fuck up powder' comment was so funny that I think it should be nominated for comment of the year. I laughed out loud and I don't even know who powder is...

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  22. You have got nice blog site. Congratulations..

    ReplyDelete