Burning Questions

Why is the sky blue? How many monkeys locked in a room of typewriters would it take to create the past 3 months worth of Dalembert Report output? If a lonely, bored man with a weiner dog fetish repeatedly makes comments into the ether and there's no one there to read them, did they really happen?

More pressingly: where is Sammy D, and is he available to close for the Phillies?

As the dog days of summer fade into autumn and as our Fightin's careen haphazardly towards the postseason, it seems as though the time is ripe for a DR resurgence. After all, there's much to be discussed. And it will be discussed, at length, and soon. But to try and tackle everything at once is to risk ending up like Mr. Creosote, with our tuxedo in tatters and the contents of our stomach splattered far and wide. So instead, let's focus on a bit of news that's both alarming and exciting: Sammy D's Center City condo is up for sale!?

Before we get to the possible ramifications of this development, I think it's important that we recognize that Sammy chose to buy his condo in a building that is not only across the street from Central Bookings but also from the city's largest sand castle. Was Sammy fearing that the Sixers might frame him for heinous crimes crime so as to get out from under his contract, or did he just want access to a very big sand box? I'm guessing the latter, but as always with Sammy the reasoning behind his actions remains inscrutable.

In any case, since this huge story has been ignored by the mainstream media, it falls to us to parse through the clues it affords us. Could it be that Sammy is on his way out of town? There have certainly been rumors of a possible move, and the Haitian one himself even requested a trade earlier in the summer. It's a terrifying thing to contemplate, this potential Dalembert-less existence. If a 7-foot Haitian center goal-tends a shot for another team, do the points even count?

But no; I can't keep asking myself these existential questions. Things fall apart in universe without Dalembert; the Center cannot hold. And so we're forced to consider alternate theories. It falls to you, dear Dalembert readers, to make sense of this news.

- Is Center City too un-hip, and he's trading in his Franklin Square pad for a No-Libs condo?
- Is he worried about housing prices, and simply moving his investments into safer commodities like pork bellies and Florida oranges?
- Was the apartment too small, and the condo rules too stiff to accommodate the menagerie of exotic pets he's brought back from his summer in Haiti?
-Was his internet connection too slow?

I've got no answers my loyal DR friends, all I have are theories and conjectures. But together we can get to the bottom of this mystery. Please enlighten me with your ideas in the comments, and let's never ever break up again.