It's Lonely at the Top

What with Brad Lidge doing his best impersonation of Geoff Geary, we've been loath to address another worrisome mound-based development which is that Cole Hamels is pitching less like the World Series MVP and more like Eddie Harris after he ran out of Vagisil. It's true, there have been signs of life lately, but the fact is we have yet to see an extended stretch of Old Cole and it's slightly disturbing. Now, the reasons for this could be myriad: Cole was injured to start the season and is just now rounding into form; Cole is saving his best for the postseason; Cole has an undisclosed STD that is affecting his release point - all these theories hold credence. The there's this:

My powers of language are limited, so I can only go so far in assessing this indelibly retarded image.

1) This makes me want to never ever buy an apartment in 2 Liberty and in reality make me never even want to walk past the building anymore.

2) I am worried about the effect of all the spray-tanner on the baby.

3) Who are Cole Hamels' friends and why is there not one of them that told him that this was not OK? Like, at all.

4) I love a white tux as much as the next guy, but the popped collar seems a bit extreme.

5) Couldn't they have just got to the point and advertised using this? I for one would be much more likely to spend 7 million bucks on an apartment in a building full of mud-covered naked women than in one where I have to see my creepy white-clad neighbors fondly fondling the fetus of their future demon spawn.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, there's also this creepy photoshop job involving Cole in bed with a weird bevy of multiracial children who don't look like they belong to him: