Sporty Thieves

It's not often that a well-known political figure starts beef with a member of the DR editorial staff. Sure, there was that time that Rick Santorum accused Bubak of bestiality, and that other occasion where Big Firm got punched in the face by Frank Rizzo Jr. for wearing his lime-green NAACP Legal Defense fund hoodie in the line at Geno's, but generally elected leaders know better than to tangle with us and our new-found appreciation for libel law.

That all changed this week though, when former Phillie hall-of-famer Jim Bunning basically shit in the eye of our man Flintskins by refusing to sign an extension of jobless benefits, thus single-handedly depriving millions of Americans (including but not exclusive to the entirety of Northern Liberties stripper population), with their means of sustenance.

Now, Bunning's turn in the news got me thinking about other athletes-turned-politicians, and these thoughts turned out to be fairly unpleasant. Sure, there are some great success stories, but for every Bill Bradley there are at least a dozen Lynn Swanns. The problem, I reasoned, is that that only the most narcissistic and self-aggrandizing athletes decide to go into politics when their playing days are done (think Curt Schilling). Most of the athletes we love would rather spend their time running a car wash or cooking up delectable pork sandwiches, which is part of why we loved them in the first place.

The current crop of Philly sports stars is notable for it's lack of pomposity. Sure, Donovan can be annoying and DeSean Jackson's cockiness could get old, but by and large this town is patrolled by a group that's self-effacing and likable - hardly the types to run for office. All that aside, if I was Karl Rove, here's who I would nominate, ranked from least electable to most:

10 - Jose Contreras: His experience growing up in a socialist dictatorship could really endear him to the Tea Party crowd. However his lack of English potentially limits his broad appeal. I see him as a city councilman representing the area around K & A, with Garrett Reid serving as his chief of staff.

9 - Andy Reid: Sky-high name recognition. Extensive executive experience. Mormon. Andy is essentially a fat, wheezy, ugly version of Mitt Romney, and Mitt will most likely be the Republican nominee for President, paving the way for Reid's appointment as Surgeon General.

8 - Allen Iverson: In the right district, AI could be an unstoppable candidate. Unfortunately it would have to be populated entirely by felons, and last time I checked Graterford was not allotted a government representative.

7 - Riley Cote: I felt obligated to include a Flyer on this list, and Riley Cote seems like kind of a badass. He could definitely garner some votes in South Philly and Fishtown.

6 - Jason Smith: Tall, white, and handsome, J Suave would be irresistible on the campaign trail, at least until his rookie fling with a porn star came to light.

5 - Greg Dobbs: Has the sartorial chops and wholesome appeal of a Senate candidate, and as a benchwarmer has plenty of time to campaign. Also would benefit from right-wingers who thought they were voting for former CNN personality Lou Dobbs.

4 - Kareem Townes: The ultimate long-shot candidate. Townes candidacy could harness the twin themes of "redemption" and "local boy makes good" after his arrest in 2002 for selling a half kilo of crack to an undercover. After all, Marion Barry got reelected after getting videotaped smoking crack with hookers in a motel room, and who in Philly hasn't had a couple ounces of crack on them at one time or another? Townes is an early release away from being mayor of this town.

3 - Carlos Ruiz: Charming. Bilingual. Experienced with running a large organization (the Phils pitching staff).

2 - Charlie Manuel: Uncle Cholly's got the down-home style that appeals to the Joe the Plumbers of the world, but beneath his folksy manner lies the mind of a Rhodes scholar and the heart of a Kenyan marathon runner. He's already the honorary mayor of Philadelphia.

1 - Aaron McKie: Could get elected to any office in the land on the strength of his beard alone.