I am well aware that none of my fellow editors enjoys going to the gym. In fact, I'm pretty sure I am ridiculed behind my back for having a gym membership - or come to think of it, I am ridiculed to my face. And to be honest, I don't necessarily blame you. The gym is an outrageous place, filled with sleeveless tees, cliche tattoos, meatheads (with cliche tattoos), the self-confident, the confident-less, and the stubbornly overweight. But the most mysterious gym member may be the old man. See the old man is north of 60, moving slowly, and perplexed by many of the machines. And most importantly for this post, the old man spends a considerable amount of time in the locker room in the buff. Naked. Without pants, a towel, or shorts. WHY DO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS REFUSE TO WEAR TOWELS?! Or let me rephrase that question. When going to and fro the showers, why must you carry your towel rather than wear it? Do you carry your sandals or flip flops instead of wearing them? I didn't think so. Why just the other day I saw a fellow Jew proudly making his way to the shower, towel draped over his shoulder, and wearing his yamaka. For the love of God, literally, use that piece of cloth that he created in the manner he intended. It makes no sense. You may be feeling good about your physical appearance relative to your peers in the office, but there's only a select few in the men's locker room who share your enthusiasm - and I am not one of them.
Believing is a funny thing. For some reason, I truly believe in very little. I mean very few things get my blood boiling or my mind racing. Truly believing in something, undoubtedly, is a powerful phenomenon. Everyday I see people doing things I can't believe, and everyday I'm astonished that these people don't have something better to do. See to me, believing tends to end in disappointment. I am, perhaps, the ultimate pessimist, haunted by punches to the gut and repeated reassurance that believing in something only seems to guarantee that something won't come to fruition. But gosh darnit, not five days after I became convinced the Phils lacked that special magic this year, that aura of confidence and knack for the inconceivable, this feisty bunch has me back in line to embrace their faith. Dare I say it - I believe!
- I believe Brett Myers is back on steroids. There is no other explanation for what is going on here in the second half of the season. He certainly hasn't lost any weight, or discovered a new pitch. I'm going with steroids until I hear otherwise.
- I believe Ryan Howard may not be the worst player in the league, as I've thought many times during the course of the season. It would appear that a potential 50 HR, 150 RBI season is something worth embracing.
- I believe Jayson Werth is an everyday player. If not for his ability to smack homers in clutch situations, certainly for his acting in Platoon (props to Eldiablogrande for making this connection)
- I believe signing Tadahito Iguchi had nothing to do with his pinch-hitting ability. This is a clear appeal to a higher- being, an acknowledgment that karma can get you into the playoffs, maybe even more so than skill. A successful baseball season hinges on the little things falling into place. And we now have two little things firmly on our bench - Tadahito and his interpreter. God bless the Japanese.
- I believe I might be developing a gay crush for Brad Lidge. It might just be a significant appreciation for his baseball ability, but I'm not ruling anything out. I love Michael Bourn and all, but good riddance to you my speedy and miniature friend, Lights Out has solidified your place in the Phillies historical abyss. Tell Dougy Glanville I said whattup.
- I believe that Jamie Moyer wears his towel in the locker room, despite his advanced age. And HE is 14-7 with an ERA in the 3's. His lead is worth following.
- I believe Brett Myers just pitched a complete game 2 hitter, we swept a doubleheader, and the Phillies are tied for the Wild Card lead and creepin on the Mets like a persistent high-schooler at a middle school dance.We mean business, and will wait patiently for your embedded vulnerability to surface.
- I believe there is a reason we didn't see CC in this four game set. Put simply, the good Lord is a Phillies fan at heart.
And lastly, I believe in Uncle Charlie, a leap of faith of epic proportions. But baseball is about momentum, unity, and rockin the boat only when the boat needs rockin. And I believe Charlie will stay clear of this boat, and guide it from the mainland, if not because he understands his players, certainly because he will be too drunk to board this vessel.
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No one mocks your gym membership; we just admire the fact that you look like a He-Man figurine. When will you be getting your barbed wire tat?
ReplyDeleteExcellent analysis of the Phils. I am believing, but also hoping and praying not to be crushed.
I would also argue that you look more like this man:
http://www.allmoviephoto.com/photo/2001_shallow_hal_011.html
which will also work, because you can motivational speak the Phightins into the post-season.
First of all, the above poster is retarded because we ALL mock your gym membership. We all accuse you of steroid ingestion as well, in case that hasn't made it back to you any time in recent history.
ReplyDeleteBut this isn't about you.
Okay, this part is: it's spelled yarmulke. Even I know that shit. Unless you have been buying your in Chinatown, it isn't yamaka.
What's important here is that everything phillies-related you've said is true. Well done.
After two seconds of internet searching, I realized that yamaka is indeed an accepted spelling....although it shouldn't be, because my idea was better.
ReplyDelete