Dissension in the Ranks

In recent weeks, I have sat idly by and viewed my colleagues dissect the NBA playoffs and their progression to the ongoing NBA Finals. I will be the first to concede that these fellows are far more basketball savvy than I, and therefore figured there was little I could do to add to the conversation. Sure, I had my own opinions, but frankly, I’m a football and baseball man (although you may not know that by my post frequency in the past quarter of a year or so….), so it only seemed right to leave it to the ‘experts.’ However, Big Firm’s post yesterday awakened my inner Joe, which is to say my inner contrariness, and I’m going to take this moment to finally say what I’ve been thinking and keeping to myself until now: Fuck Boston? No, sir, fuck you.

What has happened to all of you?? If it was Boston versus just about any other team BUT the Lakers (okay, the Spurs too, fuck a Manu Ginobili), I would fight to be behind the wheel of the Fuck Boston bandwagon, but in this case I’m slashing the tires, filling the gas tank with sugar and putting a banana in the tailpipe (no homo). So here’s the part where I loudly proclaim, FUCK L.A. My reasons are as follows:

- 2001 NBA Finals. Masochism is not my deal, so I don’t feel the need to elaborate on this one. The other guys’ whose names are on the right side of this page have somehow found a way to excuse it, I can’t.

- Kobe. Do I really need to expand on this one either? And contrary to Naka’s claims that he is not the next MJ, I counter that with he’s no Jordan, but he does have the type of sexually deviant tendencies that may prove to have him succeed that other MJ. I’m just sayin….

- Pau Gasol. Listen, I don’t give two shits if the guy can play, but look at him. It’s just not right to exploit retarded people.

- Phil Jackson. You know what, Kobe catches the most hate, and that may be just, but as far as I’m concerned, FUCK THIS GUY the most. Fuck his Buddhism (or whatever it is), fuck his triangle offense, fuck his soul patch and fuck his nine rings (and that’s just as a coach). He’s not getting a tenth on my watch.

I know it’s easy to hate Boston, really, I do. But ask yourselves, why do you really hate the Celtics? What have KG, Pierced, Jesus Shuttlesworth and, uh, those other guys whose names escape me ever done to you? Rightfully, you hate the Patriots, you hate the Red Sox, you especially hate the fans of those two teams, and it’s very true that many of those bottom feeders are also Celtics fans. You worry that you will never hear the end of it if the Celtics win (although that’s really your own damned faults for associating with people from Boston), considering that the Red Sox are the current world champions, and especially that the Patriots not only beat the Eagles in our ONE super bowl appearance of my cognizant life, but those cheating bastards may very well add another ring to the collection in the near future. You aren’t wrong for letting this concern you. However, what have the Celtics really done to upset the balance of the universe? Is it possible that you’re more upset at the Sixers front office for not making moves like that in any of our offseasons? Besides, Paul Pierce rolling through Beantown with a championship ring increases his already high chances of being stabbed by a third rate rapper's third rate entourage again at least tenfold. How can you hate that?

Moving on, the Phillies begin a three game stint against the aforementioned Red Sox today, returning from a 5-4 road trip that really should have been a 7-2 trip, for who we can thank Tom “Alfonseca-lite” Gordon. I’m going to be easy on him for now, as he has been pitching extremely well prior to these past few games. Just be ready to change the channel if he faces the heart of the Red Sox lineup in a tied ninth inning. Mercifully, Brett “the shit man” Myers will not be getting a chance to have his ERA doubled by the Sox, and Ryan Howthefuckishethirdintheleagueinrbiswhenhecanthitforshitanymoreard will have a chance to audition to be the Sox DH in 2010.

The chances of a sweep are low on both sides, but the Phils should benefit from the removal of the DH for Boston, and unlike AL pitchers, our pitchers can actually hit. These might be the best two teams in baseball right now (the Cubs can shove their better record somewhere very uncomfortable) and could very possibly be a preview for the fall classic. So, I’m doing something wicked crazy and predicting the Phils are going to take two of three. My reasoning? Simple: Fuck Boston.